PhenoAge

Here we go again—another biomarker claiming it can tell you when you'll turn into a skeleton based on blood tests. You'd think we're all dying for some pseudo-intellectual big data illusions, but alas, we aren't all biology professors. "When someone tells me their PhenoAge, I tell them to take a few deep breaths—for meditation, not hyperventilation."

Consider this your quarterly performance review for how close you are to winning the never-ending stay-alive game. You'll have those KPIs for your physical wellness dialed in no time. "The latest PhenoAge update just came in. If my health is a company, consider it primed for an IPO."

Here's a metric that'll make glam shots look like they're from the future—discounted through my link, naturally. That's right, everyone's dying to know how old they 'really' are in Insta years. "PhenoAge says I’m biologically 21, but let's just say looking this young requires more than a wrinkle-free lifestyle."