PhenoAge

Ever felt like your chronological age is holding you back from reaching infinite existence? Welcome to the algorithm that will tell you just how close you are to cheating the grim reaper with nothing more than a spreadsheet of your failing organs. "Dude, my PhenoAge suggests I'm like, almost ready to transcend mortality. Just need to hack a few more biomarkers."

Worried about what your skin says about your age? Now there's a spreadsheet for that, too. No amount of laughing gas can replace SPF, darling. "PhenoAge is basically telling me that while Botox is great, living young is better science."

Here we go again—another biomarker claiming it can tell you when you'll turn into a skeleton based on blood tests. You'd think we're all dying for some pseudo-intellectual big data illusions, but alas, we aren't all biology professors. "When someone tells me their PhenoAge, I tell them to take a few deep breaths—for meditation, not hyperventilation."